Being single and accepted

For the first time in a long while I feel accepted. I'm not talking about my status in Christ – I know I am accepted, even if at times I do forget that important truth. As a single person I feel accepted in a church environment – but not because I am single, I feel accepted as a person. At Redeemer Central we are a family. Before I came to Redeemer that meant something completely different. I felt on the fringe of the church family being a single person. I had good friendships with the small group I was in but not fully accepted by the rest of the church. I'm having difficulty explaining what I mean, I'm not even sure I can describe it in words – I had many friends and spoke to lots of people but when it came to the church corporately it felt as if I was an outsider being an unmarried, childless woman in my 30's.

Being part of Redeemer is great. There is such a mix of individuals - some are families, some are married couples and some are single. It doesn’t feel like people are categorised. I know at the moment we are a fairly small group of people but it feels like this won’t change as we grow, only be enhanced. It feels like part of our DNA – who we are and what we will be as a church – accepting of all.

Being single and aged in my late 30’s I feel I’m being pitied from society and sometimes from the church community. I remember a conversation I had with a friend who said “If a man hasn’t married by the age of 36 he won’t”. Ouch, such a generalisation, it rang alarm bells. I know that she was talking about men but is that what people think of male and females? That helps me understand where some of the pity comes from. Just because I’m waiting for the God-ordained husband and am not dating to see if someone will do for the here and now why should that mean I need people’s pity?

I’m not saying it’s easy being 36 and single. I had from an early age (and still have) a desire to get married and have a large family. I don’t know if that will happen or not. Sometimes it’s hard and very painful. I’ve lost count of the times I cry myself to sleep or am on my knees crying out to God.

There are a lot of my friends who are pregnant at the moment – I’ve lost count. I’m struggling with that and the way it makes me feel. It’s bittersweet news. I’m so happy for the couple when I hear the news and am amazed at the way new life is brought into this world but on the other hand I feel my heartbreaking. I have to watch this doesn’t consume me and eat away at me – I need to quickly take every thought captive and ignore one’s that will hurt me. I get some truth back into the situation which helps and ignore the “if only…” thoughts – they only destroy and don’t build up.

I’m living with a lovely family who have 3 girls and a week old son. It’s challenging – daily I’m face to face with a life I thought I’d have had by now. Sometimes I’m filled with relief I don’t have to deal with the things they have to. It’s also good therapy, I see it as an opportunity. A chance to heal parts of my life that have happened to prevent me having the life I dreamt about, a chance to focus on what I do have and not on what I don’t have, a chance to pray about the life I’d like and to align it with the one my loving heavenly Father desires for me, a chance to serve in a way I couldn’t if I had a family.

Been there, done that

As I said earlier I’m not dating.  I don’t want to find a ‘Mr Right-for-now’. I’ve been there and done that, didn’t get me any where apart from Heartbreak-ville. I really don’t want to go back there. To some this may seem like an alien concept – if she wants a husband why is she not looking around? I’m not sitting at home waiting for my prince to come along and sweep me away. I’m not trying to get into a relationship with every single male that comes across my path either. It’s important, nay imperative, for my husband to be a Christian, secure in his faith.  There are certain qualities I pray my husband will have (I won’t list them here!). God knows my heart and if/when/where we’ll meet. I’m amazed when I hear how some people got together and am excited to find out what our story will be.

It’s hard being single, sometimes.  It’s hard wondering when to take the next step.  I’ve never had a Christian relationship so this is all very new to me. I strongly believe that the man has to move things forward – it’s biblical “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24. It’s better to be friends with someone, get to know them better first but do you take a risk and change a good friendship? I trust God will prepare my heart for this in His timing.

I’ve read books, listened to preaches on being single and how to be single in a God-honouring way. Some have some good points to make – living an honourable life to your spouse before you meet, others make me boil. These are one’s which only have a focus on how single people can serve the church. Yes, we can and it can be easier to do being single. But there is so much more to being single.

It can be very isolating being single, especially if you live alone. Recently I’ve been opening up and have realised I’m not the only who feels the way I do. There are others going through similar emotions, problems. That is encouraging to know I’m not going through this on my own.

I find great comfort in knowing God has planned all my days – the good and the bad one’s.  There are situations in my past I’ll never understand why they happened/didn’t happen, but you know what, I wouldn’t be here, in Belfast, at Redeemer Central if my past had never happened.  Now that’s exciting.

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