Too busy to think

I like being busy. You just can’t beat those days when time flies, and before you know it the bell goes (Quite literally. We have a bell in work. It’s awesome.) and it’s time to go home. There seems to be a school of thought in the UK that says “It’s good to keep busy”. If you aren’t on the move, you aren’t in the game. I think it’s testament to this fact that I find myself uneasy in moments of silence.

Recently I was watching a TV show in which one scene showed a character sitting quietly in his apartment, smoking a cigar. This jumped out at me. I couldn’t imagine just sitting quietly doing nothing. No music. No TV. Just sitting there (Okay so he was smoking a cigar, but that doesn’t really count).

I always feel a need to be doing something. Even when I’m watching TV I’ll have something to fidget with, be it a rubiks cube or a rubber band. Being stationary; being silent; it makes me uncomfortable, because it’s then that I start to think.

And it’s in those moments that I stumble across all the hidden stuff. The memories and thoughts that caused me grief so I pushed them away and looked for the nearest distraction. Those issues I had all but forgotten until that moment of quiet when they sneaked up on me. By the time I saw them coming it was too late. The wounds were reopened, the mistakes remembered, the secrets rediscovered, and all because I stopped being busy.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with taking time to think. But I recognise that I avoid it a lot of the time by keeping busy. Especially with the most important things.

It’s a coping mechanism. A cop out if you will.

It’s solving problems by pretending they don’t exist. By not giving myself enough time to face them.

And it sucks.

I know it’s not just me. How many times have you seen someone who should be grieving bury themselves in work. Or going to the gym. Or cleaning the house. Or helping others.

All to avoid having to face the pain that’s being pushed further in and further down. It’s destructive. It builds with every little thing you try to avoid. And if it ever surfaces, it will be like an avalanche that is made of millions of small pebbles. Individually they can be dealt with, but together they can be overwhelming.

Being busy can be a way of escaping problems. It’s a temporary fix that allows you to say “I’ll be fine. I’m just too busy to think about that now”. It’s so much easier than dealing with all the ‘stuff’ bouncing about in your head. I do it all too often. I know I do it. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s hard.

I probably need to make more of an effort to face the things I’ve hidden away…........but I just don’t have the time, I have too many other things I need to do. I’m too busy

But that’s OK?

I like being busy?

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